OZtralia.tv Blog

For A Chuckle Read These

By: Phoenix Arrien

Ha, ha, ha, ha….yes, ha, I am reading…hahaha…two of the funniest travel books in a long time. The Jetlag travel guides (I have two of the series of three) and they are keeping me in stitches.

Written by very witty Australian comics, Phaic Tan and San Sombrero are take-offs of those travel guides that tell you where to go, what to do, how, why and take all the fun of discovery out of everything - though they can be useful when we want to be efficient or have little time in a place.

Phaic Tan is a funny-bone sojourn to a country somewhere in Asia, probably, where “…just a handful of hardy travelers, aid agencyworkers and hostage negotiators…” visit. It is the “birthplace of the trouser press and irritable bowel syndrome.”

A few choice passages:

X-Rated

Those bringing pornographic material into the country should be prepared to declare it and, in some cases, make photocopies for the customs staff. Similarly X-rated video tapes will be confiscated by officials from the Culture and Information Department and not returned until they have been screened at their New Year’s Eve party.

Phaic Tan has strict quarantine regulations so you are not allowed to bring pets, unless they are for personal consumption.

The other book, San Sombrero, is a land of carnivals, cocktails and coups, somewhere in, er, Latin America.

“Apart from September to November (prime hurricane months), July and August (…ferocious heat…) pretty much anytime of the year is good for a visit to San Sombrero. However the wet season is best avoided because the heat can be intense and many roads impassable. June is considered a better option as the clouds of stinging hornets will often provide partial shade from the sun’s rays.

Oh I love it, I love it. If you don’t then you can probably handle more serious topics like astro-physics or just haven’t visited these places. You can bu ‘em for a little flight reading at Amazon.

Continuing Our OZzy Slang Dictionary

By: Phoenix Arrien

 Today we bring you the letter E & F:

Earbashing: talking non-stop
Esky: insulated food/drink container for picnics, barbecues etc.
Exy: expensive

Face, off one’s: drunk 
Fair dinkum: true, genuine
Fair go: a chance (”give a bloke a fair go”)
Fair suck of the sav: exclamation of wonder or disbelief

New York Favorite Makes Splash In Australia

By: Phoenix Arrien

That movie, Sex and the City, is making a splash around Australia and appears to be quite a success over here. Riding on its success are a host of books and articles about men and women and careers, but especially about dating.

Dating is not easy these days, in Australia or anywhere else I imagine. I think we are losing the art of conversation, to any depth anyway. Too many text/SMS converse-bits and emails.

Take my brother. He couldn’t find a wife. Australia has 20 million people, but no, there was no-one for him here. He did travel abroad to search, but no happiness anywhere. Then he jumped onto the internet dating sites and presto! He is now married with three kids and living in the USA.

Another couple I knew found ‘friends’ in internet chat rooms at around the same time and subsequently hitched up with their respective friends and finally separated. They are actually quite happy about it all.

I feel quite conventional having met my partner the normal way - face to face.

Son of Guirk on ‘The Lucky Country

By: Phoenix Arrien

I am sitting next to a wonderfully interesting ‘bloke’ on a plane flying between Melbourne and Sydney.  Desmond McGuirk. He tells me he is the son of Guirk - or that is what his surname means - and he believes Australia is the best country in the world (or at least the places he has visited). So I asked him why:

“I am what they call in Australia a ‘recent arrival’ or someone ‘fresh off the boat’ even though I arrived from South Africa nearly six years ago.

I’ve had the good fortune to call two stunning lands, South Africa, place of my birth, and Australia, where I now reside with my family. Both are unique, special countries, with long-established histories and traditions so I can’t, in all honesty, call one “better” than the other.

What I can do is speak from personal experience about what I’ve encountered since my arrival a few years back, and hopefully, give you a slightly different perspective on the one thing that makes Australia, well, Australia: It’s ‘People’.

The first thing that struck us (us being my immediate family and myself) about our new homeland, was their openness.

Experience upon experience, incident upon incident, made me realise that Australia truly was a special place. When we were lost, truckies (truckdrivers for the uninitiated) would take us right to the door of our destination - even if it was miles away from they needed to be. When we needed love, closeness and friendship, groups of people we hardly knew invited us into their homes and lives and made us feel wanted, welcome, and most importantly, at home. When we forgot cameras in parks and left wallets in trains, nothing went missing. People would (Shock! Horror!) retrieve our possessions and return them to us.

When individuals or groups needed help, donations, protection from fire, assistance for the aged or the young, the broader community, celebrities and news networks would pull together and help wherever and whenever possible. I can’t count the number of times we’ve been moved to tears at the sheer generosity of the broader Australian community.

In essence, Australia restored our faith in the Humanity of Man (and Woman).

The next thing that struck me was the lack of “class barriers” and “cliques”.

Brickies (Builders), Chippies (Carpenters), Business Owners, Stockbrokers, Doctors, Nurses, Drivers, Street cleaners and, my personal favourite, Garbos (Garbage collectors) can often be seen sharing a few beers and swapping a few lies over a Barbie (BBQ) or at the local Hotel (Bar). From what I’ve seen, all are equal and are treated, and treat each other, as such.

There’ve been many, many days and nights where I’ve struck up conversations, and become fast friends with, the weirdest and most wonderful people at a variety of clubs, bars, train stations, taxi queues and so on. This was something that I’d never been exposed to, because where I came from, you were “In” or you were “Out”. That just didn’t seem to hold true for Australia - Where “Having a Fair Go” seemed to be the Unwritten Rule.

Which brings me neatly to my last observation: Australia is a young, growing country that fairly bursts with pride.

For a small population, perched on the edge of a barren and often inhospitable land, it punches above its weight in just about anything worth mentioning. Think Sport, Finance, Research, Education, Healthcare - pretty much anything in fact, and chances are you’ll know of an Aussie who’s amongst the best of the best.

There is a palpable sense of self-belief here Downunder. Where the people know they’ve created something special here - And are keen to share this Wonder with the rest of the world.

Come experience it for yourself. Believe me, it’s worth the effort…… every cent…….and every mile.

Wow! Thanks McGuirk. (Honest, this is a true account of a new Australian’s view. Except for the word ‘woman’ after  Humanity of Man - couldn’t let that pass, I’m afraid).

A Tour of Australia’s Indigenous Culture

By: Phoenix Arrien

I am a great fan of cultural travel. In Australia, to really appreciate the indigenous culture, you need to go stay or walk with one of the many communities that offer indigenous experiences through accommodation, tours or festivals.

One of the most fascinating places to visit is Arnhemland.

No other place in Australia conjures up such wild, mystical images - Outback wilderness, few people, remoteness and great sweeping landscapes.

The most accessible parts of Arnhemland for the visitor are the Gove Peninsula on the north eastern coast and the Cobourg Peninsula, a national park thrusting out into the Arafura Sea off the north west coast.

However once a year around this time, the Gunbalanya Community (also called Oenpelli) near Arnhemland’s western border is open to visitors. For this one day, anyone can travel from Kakadu into Arnhemland as far as this township without permits and one year I made my way with several hundred other people to this little settlement.

Servicing a fluctuating population of 1000 people, it is a central point for ‘outstations’ that dot the area, as well as an important educational and medical base. Populated mainly by the Kunwinjku people, the community is a melting pot of various tribes who try for a balance of old and new.

Their ‘Open Day’ is a mix of aboriginal cultural exchanges and rare opportunities to see some of the scenic back country through four-wheel drive tours and helicopter rides. The people put on displays of their traditional lifestyles through words and images and we had the opportunity to buy local handmade crafts such as baskets and clothing.

Painted dancers stamped and gyrated accompanied by musicians and singers. Baskets and clothing were sold and different local and government groups, held information stalls. But the best part for me was the ‘bush tucker’.

Long necked turtles, Barramundi (fish), Magpie geese and wild pig were all on the menu. Traditionally roasted in a pit in the ground covered by hot coals, just watching the men and women work simple ground ovens took me away into a more natural and earthy world.

The Valley of (soon to be) Giants

By: Phoenix Arrien

I am a parent and have surrendered myself to a roller coaster of emotion and challenges.

However if you ever get the chance, do travel Australia with children. Apart from breaking down barriers, they allow you to see this country differently and usually in very exciting ways. We are just about to go to the snowfields and the boys are jumping around and squealing with enthusiasm. That makes it exciting for me as well.

I remember the pleasure of going out and doing things, especially for the first time. I get reminded that it is refreshing to be in the moment and look at even the most mundane aspects of my life with the eyes of a child.

A Tribute to the 20th Century

By: Phoenix Arrien

The gateway to far east Gippsland on Australia’s southern coast is a watery one. Lakes Entrance is a small town at the entrance to the sea where water flows into three large lakes, the largest inland water system in the Southern Hemisphere.

If there is something puzzling to young children, it is a lifelike statue. Along the foreshore of the busy holiday township of Lakes Entrance are a series of wooden carved statues marking Australia’s involvement in the wars of the 20^th Century.

This includes a statue of a soldier called Simpson who carried wounded off the battlefield on his donkey. Young child patted Simpson, then poked his donkey and watched for a response. None happened so, with the blessed short attention span of a young child, he turned his excited attention to the boats coming in along the wharves.

The Lakes fishing fleet is one of the largest in this part of the world and well worth a look. It became the reason we lived on fish, of the freshest kind, during the three days we spent there.

More tomorrow….

The Letter D

By: Phoenix Arrien

Today we bring you the letter D in pure ‘strine for when you next travel Australia and try to understand what the people are saying: from the drawl of the passport control dude to the mumble of the roadhouse counter assistant.

Dag : a funny or silly person
Daks : trousers
Damper : bread made from flour and water
Dead horse : Tomato sauce (don’t think about this too long)
Dinkum, fair dinkum : true, real, genuine ( “is he fair dinkum?”)
Dinky-di : the real thing, genuine
Dob (somebody) in : inform on somebody (known on British cop series The Bill as ‘grassing’)
Dummy, spit the : get very upset at something
Dunny : outside lavatory
Dunny budgie : blowfly
Dunny rat, cunning as a : very cunning

OZ Blog Writer Phoenix Arrien

Our street is quiet now. The family across the road have moved away. They were the noisiest bunch that ever hit our suburban street. Single mum with four kids and several visiting step-children plus girlfriends of sons often hanging out in the house or outside on the front porch, yard and street.

Those ‘modified’ cars that throbbed with techno music and screeched down the streets. Many nights of thumping rock music, loud swearing, drunken yelling, fights and ‘altercations’ would bring police for visits. With sirens screaming, lights flashing, we neighbours would  have something to see through our windows.

Now they are gone, it’s quiet.  Like many middle-class Australian suburbs. But wouldn’t you know it, there is something missing….strangely. The place is too quiet. Now they are gone I remember the chats the mum and I had about kids and life. How her youngest child and my eldest played together. How she let my kids play on her blow-up playground until it was destroyed like everything else.

The workmen are in there right now, clearing the place of rubbish and fixing the house up, ready for a new family.

I hope they are noisy.

Why Polygamous Relationships Should Be Recognized

By: Phoenix Arrien

Sheikh Khalil Chami of the Islamic Welfare Centre would like polygamous relationships to be recognised. Hear hear, I say!  I am all for this, though probably not in the same way that the worthy Sheikh is.

Instead of men having several wives, there are many reasons for them to share the one wife with several husbands. Let’s look at the facts:

Men cannot multi-skill. Do you think women are going to be happy with attention only when hubbie gets around to it? Women on the other hand can give attention to several men at once and carry on multi-conversations (just listen to mothers in playgrounds carrying on conversations with each other, several demanding children and the skateboarding youth narrowly missing collecting the picnic lunch, all at once).

Men simply cannot handle more than one woman. They have enough trouble with one wife, why overwhelm the poor dears with more than they can manage.

The situation is further worsened due to the well-known fact that women band together. Pop a few in the same house and the male species will become merely a foot soldier in the formidable army of females always getting their way.

No. Far better for a woman to manage several husbands: one who is good at home repairs and maintenance; another who can carry on a deep conversation about feelings; another who loves housework and children; and another all-rounder for when any of the others are unwell.

The world would be such a better place, don’t you think?