OZtralia.tv Blog

 By: Phoenix Arrien

“So you’re telling me, if I waded into the river now, I would die in the most wretched and abject agony known to man or woman?”

“Yup.”

“And if I pick up the wrong seashell, the little critter inside would sink their pincers into me and the grim reaper would carry me off to the halls of Valhalla?”

“Yup.”

“And there this a bird, a Castaw…castat…”

“Cassowary.”

“…Cassowary, that can’t fly but is the size of a man and will slice me open with a single claw on each foot…yup?”

“Yup.”

Certainly food for thought. Most Aussies we meet out here in the northern reaches of the continent were not all talkative, but when they do tell you something, it pays to listen. And I am paying…for yet another beer just to keep him talking in a bar in Darwin, a small city in northern Australia.

Turns out he used to work as a wildlife officer and knew his critters. Australia seems full of dangerous creatures especially in the wilder northern regions. I learn from our discussion - made up predominantly of deadpan mutters by former officer interspersed by little gasps from myself - that this country has the world’s seventeen most lethal snakes, a poisonous octopus, an electric numb ray and many more harmful species.

I am especially fascinated by a stonefish, that doesn’t do much and looks like a rock, but step on it - even with a sneaker on - and its twelve spikes inject your foot with “…a myotoxin bearing a molecular weight of 150,000.”

“And what does that mean exactly?”

“Pain beyond description followed by the inability to move, then breathe, your heart goes nuts and you are not in good shape…”

“How did you handle working with all these lethal animals?”

Pause.

“Lots of beer.”

I suddenly understood why northerners drink more of the heavy type of beer than their southern counterparts.

However I am about to ignore all this danger and go hunting for the meanest, mightiest, mouthiest animal of them all. The living dinosaur: crocodiles. If I make it through the weekend floating up a croc-infested river up here in the ‘Top End’ of Australia, where the emus and buffalo roam, I will let you what happens about it. On Monday.

If I don’t make it, well its been a short and sweet time knowing y’all!